Lately, Match.com has been sending me invitations to communicate with single people in my area.

 

Match.com spam message

 

The Internet is a wonderful thing. I receive so many lovely invitations. This one I think is unnecessary. I already know many single people and always make an effort to say hi to them. If they want to talk about it, I’m happy to let them know how much I enjoy being married. But maybe married life isn’t for everyone, so I don’t like to push it on them.

AB — 4 July 2016

 

I read his poems
Each one a few spare lines —
An image of an old woman or a honeysuckle vine or a bee or a dying man.
I shift in my chair, munch on salted nuts, heave a sigh.
You’re the great man,
Get to the point.
Tell a real story.
Say something.
I close the book and set it on the desk.
I rinse my drinking glass,
Shed my day clothes,
Brush my teeth,
Stand at the window looking out on a quiet street.
Somewhere across the city, a train whistle whines.
The book sits there on the desk.
Damn you.
I pick it up, take it to my bed,
Read it until sleep takes me away.

3 July 2016

 

Egad! A snowstorm! Maybe global warming isn’t true after all. Oh, wait, it’s March in the Northern Hemisphere, so it’s still cold enough to snow. You almost had me there!

Comic by Slowpoke Comics

ARB — 25 March 2013

Recently an acquaintance smugly told me that the “Close Door” buttons on elevators don’t work — they are just there as a psychological sop to make passengers think they actually have some control.

I didn’t contest this assertion — I had heard it before and wasn’t certain one way or the other. I was deeply suspicious, however — it smacked of the bogus rumors and conspiracy theories you hear all the time, or at least sounded like one of those things that everybody knows that just aren’t true.

So I was happy to learn today that Cecil Adams of The Straight Dope has already (in 1986) dealt with this critical question in his thorough and inimitable manner — he even interviewed representatives of the Otis elevator company and various elevator repairmen. See “Do ‘close door’ buttons on elevators ever actually work?

The upshot is that the “Close Door” button is not an evil conspiracy to manipulate people into pushing a fake button hoping for a reward like Pavlov’s dogs. That’s not to say that they always work — they could be broken or disconnected at the request of the building’s owner. Here’s another reason Cecil gives as to why these buttons don’t always seem to work:

The button really does work, it’s just set on time delay. Suppose the elevator is set so that the doors close automatically after five seconds. The close-door button can be set to close the doors after two or three seconds. The button may be operating properly when you push it, but because there’s still a delay, you don’t realize it.

AB — 9 September 2011

Most printable bookmarks you find online are pretty cheesy, but this one from Disney is based on some nicely-done artwork.

It’s a bit of a crafts project — took me about a half-hour to do it, as you have to print it and cut it out, and there are two pieces with some gluing and folding to be done. It’s created with kind of a black-humor theme — one piece slides in and out of the other to reveal what happens to the characters.

Here’s what it looks like. Click on the image, and that will take you to a PDF. You should download the PDF and print it out on paper or cardstock — be sure to print in landscape mode so it comes out in full size:

Click through for PDF of this printable bookmark

AB — 17 June 2011

Congratulations! You’ve never had an auto accident, even though you drive fast, tailgate, and weave in and out of traffic.

And you’re already 27 — way to go!

You will never have an auto accident. Until you do. Then you will.

Congratulations on your great skill and brilliance.

AB — 9 May 2011